I took a drive to the past. The streets are all the same, the old house in Mililani was much like it used to be, the neighborhood quiet like it always will be. I’ve no love of this place, but I do need to face my demons.
For far too long I’ve been seeking for things. Some that I never got from my parents when I was young: a sense of stability, love, and acceptance. I’ve also been fooling myself, for I kept looking for it in the same kind of people that they were or people that are incapable of giving this to me. Flaky people, cruel people, judgmental people. My mistake was giving my admiration, loyalty, and time to these people because I felt, just like my parents, they’ll eventually become the ideal I saw in them.
It is as ridiculous as it sounds.
I am getting older. It’s no longer the 80’s, no longer the 90’s, no longer the new Millenium. I’ve been in this place for far too long. Life has really past me by. A part of me is still that child that thinks the world should be fair. That pure part of me, perhaps, but in this idealism, I’ve gone wrong.
I cannot ask for what will never be given. That and I do need to move on.
For years, I’ve quested for what was right in front of me the whole time. To think decades past and that lingering hole in my soul just kept fighting for more space within me.
I never needed to find the missing pieces in other people. I just never accepted myself. That I’ve never had a sense of intrinsic worth, but that of extrinsic evidence. If I accomplished something, every little success, punished myself for every little failure, all the while feeding that dark pit within me. That arrogant, vain, and selfish part of me. If I had the nicest clothes, if I was the best at what I do, if I could could make more money. Lilliputian in every way possible.
I’ve scrubbed most of the toxin out of my life. I don’t need approval from my family. I cut my parents and sister out of my life. I got rid of all my flaky friends. I got rid of people who used me as an ego boost or to validate themselves because I always backed up my friends. I’m finally going to get rid of that part of me that sought out what actually hurt me the most: people as narcissistic as my parents are.
I have a long way to go to heal. I write this in hopes that other people out there will not feel alone in their own journey of healing themselves. This, and I’m really done with my former life. I can’t complain about it any more, and I hope whoever reads this, be they in the same kind of pain I am in, will be able to take those steps away from where it all began.